My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
