he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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