i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
