Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
