explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
