I want to make a zoo with you.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
