that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
