The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm like, not good at living.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
