I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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