I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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