Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
