I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
