Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
23 “Girl Codes” Guys Probably Don’t Know About
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.