I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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