why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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