My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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