Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
