Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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