i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
