I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
