Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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