2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
