I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
