You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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