That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
