I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
