So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
