i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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