u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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