is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
