He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
