Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
