i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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