ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
