my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
