I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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