Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer