hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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