So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski