I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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