some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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