Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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