giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
