Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize