cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
