Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
