i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
