Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
