Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
