just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
