Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
