I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
