The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Boobs speak an international language.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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