So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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