In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Found the puke drawer
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
