i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
