Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
