Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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