Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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