did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
